The Life of Joe

by ~jbmedia

The Life of Joe
By Jonathan Baldwin

JOE comes running downstairs.

FREEZE FRAME.

BRAD (VO): This is Joseph Anderson. He’s just your average Joe…Hehe… Hear how easily I made that joke? He’s not a looser, mind you, but still not the coolest kid in town…or on the block for that matter.

JOE continues down the stairs into the living room where his friend HARRY sits on the couch watching TV.

JOE: Just call me Brillianto the Brilliant. Mr. Brilliant Man. Capitan Brilliantophus of ancient Brilliance land. Master of the League of Extraordinary Brilliants. The Brilliantanator.
HARRY: Dude, are you cooking something in the microwave?
JOE: Yeah, a TV dinner, why?
HARRY: Cause it’s burning, Capitan Brillianto, you must not have read the cook time right.
JOE: It said seven-fifty on the package. I put in seven-fifty.
HARRY: I hope you weren’t about to say, “I am Genius,” were you?
JOE: Dude, it’s, “I am Legend…” “Legend” not “Genius.”
HARRY: Yeah, but then all it is is just a stupid movie title reference.
JOE: And what you said wasn’t?
HARRY: No, what I said just alluded to the title and made me sound smart… Your food is still burning…
Beat.
JOE: And you couldn’t have taken it out?
HARRY: I didn’t know you wouldn’t be coming down cause you were busy pining over-
JOE (with HARRY): “Ms. Half Caff Mocha Cappuccino.” I’m not pining over her. I just said she was kinda hot and I wondered what it would be like to go on a date with her.
HARRY: When you say it three times in one day and stare at her when she sits down to use the wi-fi…
JOE: I’m not pining!

BRAD: In fact, he is pining. Who am I, and how do I know all this? The answer is simple. I’m Joe’s kickass alter ego, Brad Bloom, P.I.

CUT TO: A noir esque  cityscape. BRAD BLOOM walks down the street. He is dressed in a black trench coat and wears a fedora on his head.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: THE LIFE OF JOE

FADE TO:

TITLE CARD (smaller): created by Jonathan Baldwin

The noir cityscape. BRAD stands at the mouth of an ally.

BRAD (VO): The ally was dark. Dark as in the kind of dark that makes it hard for one to see. Which was the case here. It was so dark that I really couldn’t see anything…which was kind of annoying because not being able to see anything means that I won’t be able to tell where I’m going…I could walk into a wall…which would be very painful. It would be nice if it was easier to see in a dark and foreboding alley.

HARRY walks up to BRAD.

HARRY: You Brad Bloom, the PI?
BRAD: That would be me.
HARRY: Man, this alley sure is dark and foreboding…
BRAD: Kinda makes it hard to see doesn’t it?
HARRY: Man, you said it.
BRAD: So you got the package?
HARRY: What package?
BRAD: The nondescript one that could contain anything but actually contains photos of Jennifer in a compromising situation.
HARRY: Oh, that package.
BRAD: Yes, that package.
HARRY: Do you have the nondescript brown paper bag that contains the money you’re paying me to get these pictures contained in the nondescript package?
BRAD: Yes.

BRAD takes the paper bag out of his coat pocket. HARRY hands him a manila folder. They turn and walk in separate directions.

BRAD (VO): It was all going according to plan, which was beginning to worry me…it usually doesn’t.

THUG 1 comes from nowhere and nocks BRAD over the head. He grabs the manila folder with the pictures in it and runs away.

BRAD (VO): And right on cue, one of Jennifer’s goons rushed out and took the pictures. Seems she didn’t trust me to deliver the pictures myself.

CUT TO:

JOE writing on his laptop.

TRISH: Hey, Joe!
Joe: Wha? Huh?
TRISH: What’s up?
BRAD (VO): Trish is Joe’s younger sister. She frequently traverses the nine block distance between her house and the house where Joe and Harry live.
JOE: Oh, nothin’ much…Just writing, I guess. What are you doing here anyway?
TRISH: Oh, mom and dad sent me to see if you wanted to come over for dinner.

HARRY pauses his videogame.

HARRY: Hey, Trish?
TRISH: Yes, Harry, how can I help you?
HARRY: I was just wonderin’ how come you never invite me over for dinner.
TRISH: I think there’s a possibility it’s because you hit on me every time I come over.
HARRY: Hey, I haven’t hit on you this time.
TRISH: I figured you were bound to and didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt.
HARRY: I don’t really think that’s fair.
TRISH: It’s not like you really have a say.
HARRY: Well, in that case…

HARRY goes back to the game.

JOE: What are we having?
TRISH: Beef stew.
JOE: Aw, cool! Harry, I’m taking the car.
HARRY: Whatever man.

HARRY pauses the videogame again.

HARRY: Oh, hey, Trish!
TRISH: What, Harry…?
HARRY: Will you go out with me?
TRISH: There might be a day I’m free in about twenty years…I’ll have to check and get back to you on that…

TRISH and JOE leave. HARRY goes back to the game.


JOE’S parent’s house. JOE sits at the dining room table.

MOM: I hope you like it. I kinda experimented.
TRISH: Aw mom…
DAD: So you still work at that coffee shop?
JOE: Yeah.
MOM: Did anything interesting happen at your work today?
JOE: Harry and the new barista Connie had a contest to see who could make the fastest Hazelnut Irish Cream Cappuccino…
TRISH: I hope Harry didn’t win…
MOM: He’s not still making passes at you is he…
TRISH: No, Mom.
MOM: Good, cause I don’t want you going over there if he is.
TRISH: I know Mom.
JOE: Actually Connie won. She used to work at a Starbucks up in Seattle. Made employee of the month like three times or something.
TRISH: Oh… Well that’s to bad…for Harry.
JOE: Was that something I can use to tease you? It sounds like you have a crush on Harry.
TRISH: I was expressing sympathy for one of your good friends loosing a contest. Very sad.
DAD: Are you going to take that? She’s insinuating that you can’t get friends better than Harry.
JOE: Why does everybody harp on my choice of friends? Harry’s not that bad.
MOM: Sweetie, I don’t think you’ve realized this yet, but Harry’s the poster child for perverts.
JOE: He sits around the house playing videogames and watching porn when he’s not at work. What do you want me to do?!?
DAD: I’m sure there’s money in modeling for the “don’t talk to strangers” ad campaign. Convince him to get off his butt and go do that.
JOE (to TRISH): Why do I come over here for dinner again.
MOM: Cause I’m a good cook.
TRISH: Cause mom’s a good cook.

They eat in silence for a while.

DAD: How’s your book coming?
JOE: Brad got beat up in a really dark alley. He couldn’t see the bad guys coming on account of it being dark.
MOM: Oh, that’s too bad. Does anyone want seconds?


HARRY sits in front of the TV playing videogames.

HARRY: How’d it go?
JOE: The food was good.
HARRY: Yeah? Any chance of me being invited over next time?
JOE: Sorry, I think Trish killed whatever chances you had left when she told mom you sit around playing videogames and watching porn.
HARRY: I don’t watch porn anymore!! How did she know that anyway?
JOE: You don’t?
HARRY: I quit last week. How did Trish know about the porn?
JOE: I don’t know.

TRISH opens the door and walks in with the guy’s mail.

TRISH: Anyone interested in renewing the warranty on your car? It says here it’s about to expire.
HARRY: On the 76er?
JOE: They’re doing mailers now? And here I though the phone calls were annoying.

He goes to the stairs and starts climbing.

HARRY: So, Trish, how did you find out I watched porn?
JOE: Oh, that might have been me…


HARRY and JOE’S workplace. (A coffee house) HARRY is unlocking the door.

HARRY: So I was online last night and I met this chick.
JOE: Wait, how late were you up?
HARRY: Like until two or something, it doesn’t matter. So anyway, this girl is like my soul mate.
JOE: She likes porn too?
HARRY: I don’t look at porn anymore!!
JOE: Wait, two? You’re not going to be falling asleep on me are you?
HARRY: No, I don’t think……… (He pretends to fall asleep on the door which swings open. He catches himself at the last second.)
JOE: Yeah, that’s what a lot of people would refer to as “not funny.”

They go inside.

HARRY: So this girl… She’s like the most amazing thing that has happened to me, right?
JOE: And you haven’t even met her in person? I thought you had a couple high school girlfriends…
HARRY: You make fun now, but when I’m happily in a relationship and you’re still single and pining over Ms. Half Caff Mocha Cappuccino-
JOE: It’s not pining…
HARRY: Even if you paid me to believe that I don’t think there’s anyway that I would.
JOE: Darn… I guess I won’t waste my money then…
HARRY: Well, hey, if you want to…


LATER. JOE and HARRY are well into first shift.

HARRY: So I was thinking later we could head out to that one place…
JOE: I know exactly what you’re talking about. The one place in that one part of town.
HARRY: Exactly. Wait, are we talking about the same place?
JOE: There is a good possibility that we aren’t. What “one place” are you talking about?
HARRY: With the blue sign…it’s a restaurant of some sort I think…
JOE: Oh, then no. I was thinking of the ice cream shop up by Showtime. Awesome Gelato.

JENNIFER (Ms. Half Caff Mocha Cappuccino) walks up to the counter.

JOE: What can I get you?
JENNIFER: I’ll have a half caff mocha cappuccino… Actually, you know what? I think I’ll have a strawberry smoothie today…
JOE: One strawberry smoothie coming right up.

JENNIFER gets her smoothie and walks to a table where she gets out her laptop and starts working on it. JOE stares at her. HARRY walks up behind him with his arms crossed; he stands there for a moment.

HARRY: Dude. Pining.
JOE: You know what Harry?
HARRY: Yes?

JOE walks over to the table where JENNIFER sits.

JOE: Hey, I was wondering if you would go on a date with me sometime.
JENNIFER: I...uh…have a boyfriend…
JOE: Oh…Okay.
JENNIFER: Did you have a bet with your friend at the counter?
JOE: No, I’m just tired of hearing him talk about how much I pine after you…not that I do…but if I did pine…I’m probably really freaking you out right now… please don’t hold it against the store…I promise not to bother you again…

JOE turns to walk away.

JENNIFER (loudly): Pick me up at seven?

JOE walks back to her table.

JOE: Why?
JENNIFER: Because you took a chance and walked over here with out any other motive besides going on a date with me.
JOE: Oh. Cool. I’ll pick you up at seven. (He starts to leave then turns back.) Where?

JENNIFER writes her address on a napkin and hands it to him.

JENNIFER: Here.
JOE: Thanks.

JOE walks back to the counter, smiling.
FADE TO BLACK.